Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Knitting Factory, tonight. Over The Rhine.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Today I made the mistake of letting myself think that I couldn't possibly hurt anymore, that I couldn't lose anything else and that things couldn't possibly become anymore difficult than they have been in the last few months. WRONG.

It's ironic how life cycles. This time last summer, I was in this exact same position with my parents. Except that time, it was actually over something I could somewhat understand. This time, I can't believe they're risking ruining the bit of relationship we've built lately over something as shallow and judgemental as appearance.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I'd forgotten how nice it is to have someone who really cares that you can talk to at any hour.

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I spent more time at the compound tonight. The more time I spend there, the more anxious I am to get moved in.

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When I came home tonight (or this morning), a man was snooping around the back of the apartment conplex with a flashlight. When he saw my car pull up, he snapped the light off and jumped behind the dumpsters. For the first time ever, I called 911. I'm still shook up (thus the fact that I'm not sleeping). It's been a very weird 24 hours.

squiggles

3am driving

Sunday, April 24, 2005

I really don't understand people, and why they feel the need to be so cruel.

This morning at 8am, Johanna, one of the girls that lives on my complex, came knocking on the front door. Her parent's apartment backs up to the basketball court, and when she woke up, she heard crying kittens. Someone from the complex next to us had tied to kittens in a plastic bag, trying to suffocate them, and tossed them over the fence into the basketball court. I'm the only person in the complex with a kitty, so she took the kittens inside to her mom and then came knocking on my door, to see if I knew how to feed and take care of them.

So I ran her to the pet store and got kitten formula and supplies, then went back to the apartment with her to check out the kittens and show her family how to feed them. I figured they were maybe a week or two old, from what she said. Definitely not the case. They were newborns. So new that they still had afterbirth in ther coat, and their eyes crusted over. It was heart wrenching.

rescued

The events of the last five months (has it really been that long?) have shaken me to the core. Most of the time, I feel like I'm just wandering through reality, trying to find my place amidst this darkness and fleeting beauty. But there are times when I feel like I really must be a complete nut job; nestled here looking in on a bubble, caught between my conservative upbringing and my craving for raw truth and beauty, amidst all its pain and harshness. My heart telling me to and leading me to abandon one, and those around me telling me to abandon the other.

Some really do think I'm a little unbalanced or misled, due to the decisions I've made and the fact that I foster no regret. There are others that I feel are on the same journey and trying to navigate the same reality that I am. The people that understand my actions and motivations for said actions, without my having to explain and without a sad shake of the head, as if I've abandoned all truth and faith.

I spoke with one such person not too long ago, and he said something similar to this: It's not that I'm trying to push the evelope, and see how far I can go. It's that I push myself, and that I'm not afraid to push myself until I break. It's that I ask questions, instead of simply accepting what I was brought up with, putting everything in a neat little box and tying it prettily with an answer. It's that I believe there can be beauty in pain and brokeness, because it is so honest. It's that I'm not afraid to live and take chances; to navigate my own reality, despite the pain involved in forging my own path.

3am driving bw

Yes. I think that's it.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I was looking through some photo's today, and I realized how much younger we looked in them. It's only been a few months. But we looked younger. We looked happy; content. Now there's worry lines and hair loss. A slump that tells of lonliness, defeat and compromised dreams and visions, where there used to be a confident saunter and sway. But most of all, there's a newfound wisdom, depth, sharpness and sadness in our eyes. It's in our faces and posture. But it is our eyes that reveal the most. That's the way it always was with us. The eyes.

Good things are happening. But they feel empty and shallow, and I feel defeated.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Gary Jules, The Viper Room, Tomorrow night.

All nighters spent editing this gloriously beautiful black and white film; snacks of edamame, home made samosas and chai tea. My kitten alternately sleeping on my lap and stealing bits of edamame from my plate.

These are nights I'm going to look back on and treasure.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

TONS of cute baby pictures have been floating around on the internet lately. I started reading Dooce over a year ago. Her Daily Photo's are always killer. Like this, this or this (Do you see those cheeks? OH MY GOSH. I could eat them, they're so cute).

Then, you have Judah Rudd. Leta is adorable, but absolutely nothing compared to Judah. That kid is so cute and so fun and SUCH A FLIRT! I only lived in Dallas for a few months, but gosh, do I ever have pictures of this kid.

Tonight, I had a girls-night-out with my roomates and one of their older female friends. We went to see The Little Mermaid ballet. It was very good, and I really enjoyed it. But I think I enjoyed looking at the cute kids and watching them watch the ballet more than I enjoyed the ballet itself. I was surrounded by cute little girls. Specifically the one sitting behind me. She was the most beautiful little Asian girl I have ever seen. She looked just like her mother. And here's the real kicker. Her dad explained what was taking place on stage to her first in English, then in her own language. It was so precious.

I want that cute baby and intelligent partner that will spend time patiently teaching our child. And then I remember. Child. You need a partner for that one. And to have a partner you have to make yourself vulnerable. On top of that, I'm picky. And despite everything, the standard has been set high. Very high.

I think it would definitely be simpler to take care of someone else's children and just be that cool old lady with all the cats.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Today, Mr. Edgar went to the vet again.



He has an ongoing eye infection and chronic breathing/lung problems. Isn't it just like me to end up with a cat that has some chronic health problem? Today he had x-rays and was poked at more than any poor kitty ever should be. He's been quite the sport though. He's always ready to cuddle and play. He's been an expensive little booger, but I love him to death. With a face like that, who couldn't love him?

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Basic News:
-I have two essays being considered for publication.

-Two, possibly three of the films I've done in the last two semesters are going to show at a small screening night.

-The film I edited last year is in several festivals right now.

-I have a possible gallery showing of some photography within the next two months or at the beginning of the fall.

-I am moving. And looking for a third roomate.

Basic Rundown:
-I've been really sick in the last week/week and a half, and I finally am beginning to feel like I'm recovering.

-The stress/shit-keeps-continually-hitting-the-fan diet has kicked in yet again. I've dropped an entire size.

-The Film From Hell is continuing to take over my life and consume WAY more time than it ever should have.

-Multiple times in the last few days I've felt like I absolutely must have lost my mind. All this shit is just way too crazy. I've forgotten what it's like to not live in the midst of extreme drama, and shit hitting the fan left and right.

Two very positive things:
-The semester is almost over. THANK GOD. I was convined that there was no way I could make it through this.

-I am moving. Fresh start. No memories of lovers and whispers of love and commitment will be hiding in the shadows. New rule: men that I am dating are not allowed to stay over at my apartment. Not that I'm dating anyone. And not that I'll be able to trust anyone of the male gender on a level in the remotely near future that would make staying over even close to an option (in otherwords, as of now, hell will freeze over before I date and/or allow said person I'm dating to stay over).

Friday, April 08, 2005

ca·pri·cious
1: Governed or characterized by impulse or whim: as a : lacking a rational basis b : likely to change suddenly

ob·scure
1: Deficient in light; dark.
2: So faintly perceptible as to lack clear delineation; indistinct.
3: Not clearly understood or expressed; ambiguous or vague.