Thursday, July 28, 2005

They never tell you truth is subjective
They only tell you not to lie
They never tell you there's strength in vulnerability
They only tell you not to cry

But I've been living underground
Sleeping on the way
And finding something else to say

Is like walking on the freeway
They never tell you you don't need to be afraid
They only tell you to deny

So is it true that only good girls go to heaven?
They only sell you what you buy
#


DSCN2736

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

time for something light-hearted 'round here. or kind of.

originally posted here and here

rewritten from 28 october 2003 10 january 2004

10 bands I've been listening to lately
::01:: sunny day real estate sufjan stevens
::02:: the decemberists
::03:: le tigre jeff buckley
::04:: the moving units james taylor the mountain goats
::05:: the shins ben folds five over the rhine
::06:: nickel creek john rhalston
::07:: cat power
::08:: radiohead tom conlon
::09:: the promise ring ours
::10:: pinback my ears only recordings of

09 things I look forward to
::01:: seeing modest mouse in two weeks didn't happen. insufficient funds. sleeping peacefully {rarely}
::02:: decent food in the cafeteria never going to happen. actually being able to eat
::03:: going back to england highly unlikely in the near future. insufficient funds. ;-)
::04:: working my new job i wish! a job that i can enjoy
::05:: late night drives to the beach {its been too long}
::06:: intelligent conversations
::07:: haircuts
::08:: coming home this city has not been good to me. the company of accepting friends
::09:: time to myself ......

8 things I like to wear
::01:: blue jeans (i'm a blue jean baby)/ brown skirt
::02:: sandals
::03:: my braided leather bracelet my chinatown bracelets
::04:: tights fishnets and backseams
::05:: my thrift store jacket
::06:: sweaters
::07:: blue chucks
::08:: cute underwear

07 things that annoy me
::01:: bossy people i'll take bossy over bitchy and crazy any day.
::02:: the ice machine at work being manipulated
::03:: busywork and papers that have no point greed
::04:: squealing freshmen girls at 3 am judgmental scientologist housemates
::05:: dishes left in the kitchen and crap in the sink finding spiders in my bed
::06:: boys that play games (that's my job, not theirs) i was being sarcastic. being taken advantage of
::07:: not being able to leave, and having nowhere to go.

06 things I love
::01:: books
::02:: writing
::03:: free time
::04:: sleep
::05:: crafty and creative stuff having a creative outlet
::06:: people i can just sit and be quiet with (chatter isn't always necessary). {this is so hard to find}.

05 things I do everyday
::01:: drink cherry coke drink coffee
::02:: write
::03:: work
::04:: change my mind love
::05:: read

04 people I want to spend more time with
::01:: my family
::02:: my friends back home very few left. people that accept me for who and what i am
::03:: God clarification: learning more/spirituality
::04:: (insert future name here) his name will not be mentioned here. its been mentioned.

03 Movies I could watch over and over again
::01:: amelie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
::02:: about a boy american beauty closer
::03:: (blank) 21 grams (although infinitely better the first time)

2 of my favorite songs at the moment
::01:: red right ankle, the decemberists i'm a monster, ours this year, the mountain goats
::02:: you and whos army? radiohead nobody number one, over the rhine

1 thing I'd rather be doing
::01:: making out listening/talking.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Okay. I composed a good but very long blog post and then the internet went out. Which gave me enough time to read it over and decide that it was entirely too long and needed to be split in two and mulled over.

More bits...

Our society has a few things that it doesn't like for people to go after directly. It's futile, we say. Or perhaps, by going after it you forfeit it. There are lots of stories about great things being given to the one that actually didn't want the great thing, much to the grumbling of everyone that actually did want it. Let go, and it will come to you.

I wonder, is this a case where society really has learned what is best for us... sort of a natural selection of philosophies where over time the best philosophy survives even if nobody knows exactly why? Or is it something else? I don't know why, but today something about it feels sinister to me.

Erik Benson

Okay, maybe not bit(s). I feel more like writing myself than posting things others wrote.

I spent a few frustrating hours last night and this morning trying to figure out how my computer speakers/external hard drive managed to pick up a radio station that I can't get rid of. I noticed it a few days ago, and I've just been ignoring it. It's hit the point where I can't ignore it any longer, but can't figure out how to fix it. Moving the desk isn't an option. It only does it when the external drive (which has all my music on it) is plugged in. WTF? Is it even possible for an external drive to pick up a radio station?

Today its finally not so fucking hot that you have to choose between leaving the house or sweating to death. Window fan combined with small portable fan makes for a fairly cool room so far. And the hottest hours are almost past.

After hearing about the daily escapades of a friend's dog, I'm feeling very grateful for my adorable kitty. I mean, I like dogs and all, but cats are so much easier to take care of. And I don't think you could find a cat more loving and affectionate than mine.

I also had a chance to sit down and do some budgeting/work scheduling. It's looking like I'll actually have the finances for the things I'd like to do in the next two months.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Bits from others I've been reading:
As an idealist, I am often frustrated by the people around me. As an idealist I am often frustrated in myself as well and for my failures. Because of that I live in a world of pain and disappointment with other people and myself.

Hopefully I live in a world of grace, for others and for myself. Despite the disappointment, it seems to be a better world than a world without those ideals and giving in to the world where I expect less than I know we can accomplish.

Jordon Cooper


and:

...In these moments we lived only in the present. We had no thought for the morrow, but only wondered how we might hang on a little longer...

...I say that grief is a painful labor, but hope may be born of sorrow. Be honest with your grief. Keep your eyes open so you won’t miss the moment when hope appears.

RLP via Chuck Sigars


There's plenty more. But I'm too tired/restless to post it right now.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Sunday I went to church. First time since Christmas and the first time I can remember not tensing up and feeling unsettled. She said something that I've heard many times over, in relation to the stories we live and things that happen in our lives.

"Where is God in this?"

The thing is, I don't know how to see God in this anymore. How does one see God amidst these lies? Within the deceit? The pain? The tossed aside vows and cast away love? Amidst the crimes and utter injustice?

Grace and forgiveness, someone said the other night.


"i'm sick of walking down these streets of tarifa
and waiting for some magic revelation
or secret jesus to appear
and erase you"

Michael Miller - Grace Town


I remember when I found comfort in God; solace, assurance that I would survive this. That I would wake up day after fucking day, even if I ended up cumpled on the floor and begging for release by nightfall. These feelings and flashbacks and nightmares are all too familiar. But the absence of solace and comfort is not.

I remember when there was somehow still beauty amidst the pain. When hard times and long nights also held the promise of desperate surprises. The promise of love despite fragility. Despite crazed circumstances. But those days? Long gone.

"Sweetheart, baby,
I’m sorry for bringing these black clouds wherever you are.

These icebergs never stop melting.
I think that you fell for me in the dark.
But it’s over now, and you’re feeling so relieved.

If I believe in ghosts and don’t believe in God.
Then I believe in the sum, but not the part.
Jumpin’ Jack Pumpkinhead pincushion doll
I’m dead with all the things I never said buried in my flower bed."

John Ralston - I Believe in Ghosts


Sleep will be my solace for the night. I hope.

Monday, July 18, 2005

"...There is a long distance between wrongdoing and evil, and it is of no help to any of us to make a simple equation between them. We all at times act in bad ways, and the shadow side of our personality can be a healthy part of our complex identity. But in the continuous spectrum between bad and evil, there is some indeterminate region in which a boundary is crossed. Usually it is occasioned by repeated and unrepentant acts of deception."

Sacred Journey




I'm afraid I've lost the piece of me
I need the most you see
This puzzle is really just about the need
To be somebody
I'm afraid I'm not all that you see
All along the coast of me
I'm camouflaged, a desert mirage
A nobody
Over The Rhine, Nobody Number One

Sunday, July 17, 2005

"Is this life? Re-learning what we’ve already forgotten? You would not believe the details in books I’ve forgotten. I know whats good for me. I know and yet I still scratch my bug bites and pick my scabs. I still repeat the same mistakes."
#

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Today was horrid. With that said, I'm going to bed.

"Nothin' like sleepin' on a bed of nails. Nothin' much here but our broken dreams.
Ah, but baby if all else fails, nothin' is ever quite what it seems.
And I'm dyin' inside to leave you with more than just cliches.

There is a me you would not recognize, dear. Call it the shadow of myself."

#

Monday, July 11, 2005

There aren't words to describe how exhausted and in pain I am right now. This weekend was nuts. Friday night a potential roomate came over with her boyfriend and brought her tabby cat with her to meet Edgar. Things seemed to go OK. Tybalt was chill. Edgar growled at him the entire time. I'd never heard my cute kitten make some of the noises he was making at this other cat. Good lord.

Then the next day, Saturday, Emily and I were playing with Edgar and I saw something crawling on his skin. CRAWLING ON HIS SKIN. I've never had a pet with fleas before, and I totally freaked out. It was midnight, and I figured the grocery store might have flea treatments. So I went, and they didn't. By the time I got him to the vet the next day he'd totally taken care of the flea problem himself. HE. ATE. THEM. yuck.

The rest of Saturday was spent procrastinating. I SO did not feel like cleaning the entire downstairs more thoroughly than it's ever been cleaned before.

Saturday night and Sunday were spent cleaning. Sunday morning I went to the awesome farmers market in hollywood with Joe, David and Moti. Unfortunately for me, I'm white as a fucking sheet, and didn't think to wear sunscreen, seeing as I was only going to be in the sun for about an hour. Very, very bad idea. I'm fried. My skin looks like it would crackle if you touched it. I also spent Sunday afternoon messing around with my hair, so not only was my skin in pain, but I ended up with a splitting headache that never quite went away and came back full force when I woke up this morning.

It's a good thing my cat is cute, sunburn only lasts about a day and someone invented advil. Or else I'd be taking heads off today.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

I cannot believe I'm awake before the sun is up. This is wrong (and indication that if I ever had kids, my partner would be the one getting up at the butt crack of dawn).

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Today I decided I could really use some cute cat photos in my life.