Capricious Obscuration

2006-11-24T20:49:00.000-08:00

I've been going through severe privacy withdrawl for about a week now. You know, the kind that comes when you abruptly go from having your nice attic space where nobody but your cat bothers you to sharing two small hotel rooms with your ENTIRE family and two cats. Thank goodness tomorrow is the last day, because I can already tell tonight is going to be a long night; there are two kitties hopping around the room right now. I'm sharing a bed with my baby sister who kicks, and in the next bed over are my parents. I'm definitely one of those people that needs almost complete silence to sleep well. My dad has sleep apnea so uses a sleep machine that forces him to breathe. It used to keep him from snoring, but I have a feeling it isn't adjusted properly, because even with it on, he's snoring right now. AND I CAN'T STAND SNORING. Seriously. I would break up with someone if I discovered they were a heavy snorer and we hadn't been together too long. I greatly value my sleep. And I don't like anything that consistently interrupts it. Especially snoring. Snoring is to me what nails on a chalkboard are to most people. Oh. And my older younger sister snores as well, and I'd been sharing a room with her up until Thanksgiving. So by tomorrow, I can gurantee that I'll be really, really fun to be around. The combination of consistent junk/unhealthy food, being cooped up in a car and not having slept because of the SNORING will make me a real joy.

So please, if anyone feels like making my day a little brighter tomorrow, call me and help me kick the boredom of driving through the hickville south.

Road Trip!

2006-11-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

So, yet again, I'm temporarily moving. On the 16th/17th of this month (about a week and a half from now) I'm driving out to Memphis to meet up with my family for Thanksgiving. After that, I'm going on to Florida, and preparing for the shoots in the Bahamas, then leaving for the Bahamas.

So, here's the deal. I'd LOVE to have someone to drive with from LA to Memphis! I'll pay for a return flight (or your flight out to LA if you live someplace else) and any hotel rooms we stay in. You just need to be able to cover your food! That's an almost totally free roadtrip! I've made this drive about a gazillion times, so I'm open to taking pretty much any route, and stopping anyplace we might find interesting (plus, it's going to be over a weekend! I'm sure there's places to stop that have some nifty bars or cool shows going on). And we can take our time. I just need to be in Memphis by Monday the 20th.

But, I need to book your return flight by tomorrow night, at the latest! Otherwise rates will go up and I won't be able to afford it. So let me know! Send me a msg or call me! 626-367-8390

2006-10-25T00:43:00.000-07:00

Gosh, it's been a long time since I've blogged! Life has been busy. Life has been crazy. Life has been shitty and lovely, both at the same time. Funny how that works, eh?

As usual, I have a huge list of things I should be doing. Is blogging on them? Of course not! Is procrastination a habbit I left behind me when I finished college? Apparently not. I've still got that one down pat.

I think the most prominent news is that I am not moving out of The Compound. At least not yet. I'm staying here for the remainder of my time in LA, which will end somewhere around November 19th. About that time I'll be headed out to Memphis (yet again, if anyone would like to drive with me, let me know) to meet up with my family and grandparents, and then on back to Florida, making my usual stops in Tallahassee and Tampa on the way.

Another piece of exciting news: I'm going to the Bahamas for five months! I'll be semi participating in a program some people there are running, as well as producing and directing a few short segments to be distributed online and on DVD. Exciting! Though I'll be very sad to leave my kitty behind for so long.

So, enough procrastination. I have to be up at 6am for work, and it's almost 1am now.

Moving Sale

2006-10-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

Don't know where I'm moving to yet, but in the meantime I'm selling all my furniture. I have a few more things that aren't listed yet in my craiglist ad, and I'm also taking a ton of clothes to Buffalo Exchange. So, if you're interested in any of the furniture, in going through some of my clothes (I'm getting rid of a lot of the set costumes and vitage/period clothes that I had), or in anything else you know I have (books etc), give me a ring or email me!

Here's the craigslist ad:
moving sale

Also, if you happen to know of a cool place to live that's fairly inexpensive (any state), or a decent job opening someplace, let me know!

2006-08-28T07:18:00.000-07:00

And here I was, thinking I'd escape almost a whole hurricane season here in Florida without having to deal with an actual hurricane! Looks like Ernesto might cause a little trouble:-)

2006-07-17T22:05:00.000-07:00

2006-07-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

2006-07-17T21:49:00.000-07:00

I spent the afternoon finally uploading and sorting tons of stuff. I'm still missing pictures from the 4th, and from Cat Power. But maybe I'll get to those tonight. For now, here's links to all the recent stuff, and a few links to older stuff some of you might not have seen.

Rescue Kitties
Friends (some of the pictures are old)
Cross Country 2006 Set 1
Cross Country 2006 Set 2
Christmas 2005
Liz and JB 2005
England 2005

2006-06-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

Standin at the door of the pink Flamingo cryin in the rain,
It was a kind of so-so love and I'm gonna make sure it doesn't happen again,
You and I had to be the standing joke of the year,
You were a runaround, a lost and found and not for me I feel,

Take your hands off me, hey,
I don't belong to you, you see,
And take a look in my face, for the last time,
I never knew you, you never knew me,
Say hello goodbye,
Say hello and wave goodbye.

#

From May 27, 2006

2006-06-08T08:19:00.000-07:00

today was unintentionally a very eventful day. as my brother and i were pulling up to a stoplight on a major street, a kitten ran from the grass out into and across the first three lanes of traffic, stopping under the truck next to my brother and i. the idiot was going to just drive off, knowing full well there was a kitten under his wheel, so i made my brother get out and try to get the kitten. we sucessfully scared him under my car, and then a nice man stopped and helped us chase the kitten out of traffic on the other side of the street, and eventually helped us fish him out fron the inside of my wheel well.

this is kitty (or "champ", as my brother has named him) directly after rescuing, on the way home:

we left him in gizmo's carrier with a blanket and some water, and headed back to meet up with my family. afterwards, my brother and i went and got some kitten milk and a bottle.

this is champ post-face-washing and post-feeding:

then, upon further inspection, we discovered not only was he dirty, but he was by FAR the most flea infested cat i have EVER seen (at this point, it's about 11:30pm). so, of to wal-mart to get flea shampoo and medicine (thank goodness for mom's!). it took FOREVER to get him washed and flea-free. the poor thing was shaking and exhausted by the time we finished, at around 1:30am.

this is champ post-bath, looking like a clean and much healthier kitten (albeit very exhausted. and look, he actually has a pink nose! i thought it was black when i found him):

so, now he's been wrapped in a warm towel, placed in a carrier and in the garage (my mom's doing, not mine! if i had my way, he'd be in a bedroom). and i have three hours to sleep before i have to get up and feed the little bugger.

after this, i want a six month break before the next stray cat finds me and either infests my house or breaks my bank account!

so, if anyone is interested in a kitten, please let me know! this guy needs a home ASAP. my dad is highly allergic to regular cats, so he isn't really even supposed to be in the house at all. we're guessing he's between 4 and 5 weeks old, and is able to drink kitten milk from a bowl.

California

2006-06-04T21:58:00.000-07:00

I can't wait. This coming weekend. Kind of last minute. But then, most of my trips always are.

I miss everyone there way more than I thought I would. I'm excited to see how my stuff looks in the attic (that Joe just told me feels more like a sauna. I can't say he didn't warn me. He did live up there, after all).

And the garden! I've missed the garden so much. Joe sent me pictures of the baby brocoli that have long since been eaten, and another picture of our overabundance of squash tonight. It's so cool that we planted and grew that stuff!

It should be fun. There's talk of camping on the beach. Or a day trip to the hot springs. Or some other fun summerish activity.

Anyway. Way past my bedtime. I have a gym class at 6:00 and then work all day long.

2006-05-29T19:04:00.000-07:00

I have the worst case of strep throat. And it really sucks.

2006-05-26T06:24:00.000-07:00

2006-05-19T18:06:00.000-07:00

It's when I see pictures like this one, that I start to feel the baby itch.

Then I hear the sounds of my family downstairs. Sounds that can only be described as total chaos. And I think, "hmm....maybe in like, TWELVE YEARS".

2006-04-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

I am so exhausted. All the doctor appointments, research and talk of health and disease is really beginning to get to me. It's starting to mess with my mind and play tricks on me.

The new diet is helping, but it's so hard to stick to. Especially without any real support from my family. Cooking for only myself is annoying and unmotivating. Going out to eat is almost impossible with them, because the places they like have nothing on the menu that I can eat. So I end up compromising, and I end up feeling sick afterwards. It's a vicious cycle. I miss The Compound. I feel like everyone there was so much more supportive and helpful than my family is. I feel like they are tolerating me and all this mess, and underneath the toleration they are just thinking that it must all be in my head.

Official Sucky Day

2006-04-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

Long Dr. appointment today. We ruled out any thyroid problems, which is a big, big bummer. Narrowed it down to two other possibilities. Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and Endomitriosis. Still have to rule out cervical problems, but everyone is pretty sure that's not the source of the problem. Sucky. I have symptoms of both. More of Endomitriosis, which of course is the harder of the two to diagnose. Can't be diagnosed without an exploratory surgical procedure (minor, but still). Now begins the long series of tests, exams, and shitty procedures. Next steps are:

-Blood work, Pap and Colposcopy.
-Vaginal/Pelvic Ultrasound
-Laparoscopy

Oh. And I found out at my other Dr. appointment today that I have some wisdom teeth that have to come out ASAP.

Shitty. All I feel like doing at the moment is getting baked, but I can't even do that, because I have to get blood work done tomorrow.

2006-03-31T14:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Car trouble galore. Stress. More car trouble. Drama. Physical injuries. More drama.

There's definitely been some good moments though. I've gotten closer to some of the people that I live with. Gotten to spend a lot more time with others. It's nice; but it makes it harder to leave. There's been shows and film festivals and parties and another instant film (will link to it once it's online). I've also had a lot of time to think. Something I'm sure I'll have a lot more of once I get on the road (which will hopefully finally be Sunday!).

I don't understand the need to lie. I never have. Telling the truth isn't always easy at that specific point in time, but in the long run it's so much easier, and so less destructive.

The ideal situation would be to just eliminate the behavior that leads to the lying. But alas. Some people really just don't change. Some people really don't deserve to be trusted.

What I hate almost as much as lying is the way people try to find ways to justify that behavior. Ways to blameshift. Excuses to make not only the behavior justified, but the lying as well.

There is no excuse for lying. And there is no excuse for knowingly and deliberately doing things that you know will extremely hurt another person. Especially when that person is someone you claim to love.

Please help me!

2006-03-30T12:22:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

I'm back on the podium again.

Skinny-B has had hundreds of dollars of medicines and vaccinations, she is 100% an indoor house cat. Potty trained, trained not to jump on kitchen or bathroom sinks, she talks (if you talk to her she'll talk back sometimes for 1/2 an hour) and is the best cuddler ever. Just an overall wonderful cat!

A wonderful cat that has Feline leukemia. If someone doesn't adopt her she will have to be put down. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me not have to do that. If you know anyone who has a big heart, or needs a young pet, or anyone at all you can ask Please do! She is just over a year old, and CAN live with other vaccinated cats. She would also do well with dogs, and GREAT with kids!

She and I need your help.

(click for larger sizes)

Please help us!

If you know anyone please give them my number or email. And please repost this on blogs, myspace, livejournals, etc. If you live in another state, please don't hesitate to repost or contact me if you are interested or have questions. We can always figure something out. If you live nearby and are interested, you can come meet her!

626.367.8390
mims.katie at gmail dot com

2006-03-13T18:33:00.000-08:00

Finally. I've found a decent coffee shop that can make decent coffee AND has free wireless internet. I'd begun to think that those two things didn't exist in this city. Especially at the same location. Too bad I leave in a few days.

Last time I tried to order an iced vanilla latte (before I found this place), the girl handed it to me hot. I handed it back and told her I had ordered it iced. She just stood there and looked at me, dumbfounded. So I said, "You know, iced. Put ice in a bigger cup and pour the latte over it."

She got a bigger cup, poured the latte in it, then dropped five or so ice cubes in it.

Gross. Never would have thought such simple directions would be so hard to follow.

In other news, I came out here determined to not revive my southern accent. After hearing a message that I left on my grandparents answering machine today, I realized that I've been totally unsuccessful. I've got that nice southern drawl again. At least it isn't as bad as it was when I was a kid and moved to Florida. I had it so bad the people down there could hardly understand a damn word I said.

2006-03-12T18:42:00.000-08:00

If I never eat at another Picadilly in my life, I swear I'll die a happy woman. My grandparents Sunday ritual is to go to Picadilly for dinner. Or get it to go and bring it back to the house, if my grandmother isn't feeling up to going out. So that's been what...three weekends in a row? Maybe more? I think I've eaten enough bland, fatty southern food to last the rest of my life. And I've realized that there are three requirements for southern food.

1. It must be fried in bacon fat.
2. It must be slathered in butter.
3. It must be engulfed by brown sugar. Or molasses. Or Sourgum.

The thing is, most of the time, a single southern dish will incorporate all three requirements. I made some really good, whole wheat, organic pancake mix the other night. I woke up the next morning, and my grandpa had already beat me to it and made blueberry pancakes. Except he cooked my uber-healthy pancake batter in bacon fat. Fat from the gross tin can that he puts on the back of the stove to collect all the grease after frying bacon. I don't even want to know how long some of that gunk has been in that can.

2006-03-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

I have so much to say, but I feel and need so much that I can't find the words.

Echo.

2006-02-26T17:26:00.000-08:00

Just to let people know, I'm not going to have frequent internet access for about three weeks. E-mail is a very bad way to get in touch with me. So if you have my number, call me. If you don't have my number, you probably aren't someone I'm interested in talking to.

Help Save a Kitty!

2006-02-22T00:12:00.000-08:00

Since July this year, the house that I live at has had an outdoor-only kitty. She's a beautiful orange tabby that started hanging around as a kitten, and we started feeding her. Recently we suspected that she was possibly pregnant, and in an attempt to confirm that and try to take care of her and find homes for her kittens, I took her to my vet today. In doing so, we found out that she has feline leukemia. The disease is eventually fatal and very contagious (but only to other cats! Not dogs or people). Those of you that have cats know that there is a vaccine for this, but unfortunately it is only about 80% effective. Since there are three other cats that live in various areas of the house I live in, I wasn't able to bring her home with me tonight:-( She is being boarded at my vet's for a few nights, while I try to find her a home.

Even though Skinny-B has the disease, it is possible for her to live happily and healthily for years to come. Some cats with the disease that are lucky enough to be placed in loving homes and have good vet care often live just as long as any other indoor cat does (8-16 years).

We have two choices. The first, and one that I am doing my utmost to make happen, is find her a good home. Ideally one without any other cats, or with other cats that also have leukemia. A home with cats that do not have the disease is also possible, so long as the owner is aware of the risk involved in having Skinny-B around. One thing that I must emphasize is that she ABSOLUTELY MUST be indoor-only. If allowed outdoors, she will be exposed to other diseases that would greatly shorten her life-span, and she would also be infecting other cats in the area.

The second choice, and what will have to happen if a home for her is not found by Thursday night, is to have her put to sleep. It will already be necessary to have her spayed ASAP, and the kittens put to sleep. Chances are, they would not survive more than a few days past birth, because they would be so sick. And allowing Skinny-B to give birth would put so much strain on her that it would severely lessen her chance of being healthy and happy for any length of time. Having this done to the kittens is terrible enough, and I really do not want to have to do the same to Skinny-B.

Everyone here adores her. She is very sweet and affectionate. You hardly even have to look at her and she starts purring:-) She loves attention and cuddling. She endures kitty baths very well and also does very well in the car (as I discovered today while taking her to the vet). She isn't extremely fond of dogs, but I'm sure when given a little time to adjust, she would become friends with one. She is an orange and white tabby, with big green eyes. Right now, she weighs about 8.5 lbs (but could definitely stand to put on a little weight), and we are guessing that she is maybe a year old, at most. She was a little kitten when she first started showing up here at the house, last summer. Aside from the leukemia, she is perfectly healthy. Her heart and lungs are great, her teeth are fairly healthy (she seems to be getting a little bit of gingivitis from not having proper food and care) and amazingly enough, she doesn't appear to have any fleas.

Please e-mail all your friends and pass the word around. Many of us here at the house want to do everything possible to avoid having to put her to sleep while she is still so young and healthy. Because we are operating under such a time constraint, please pass my cell phone number around as well, and encourage people to call me with any questions that they might have, at any time (day or night). If someone is willing to take her, I will gladly help raise money for any vaccinations and health care in the near future, and she will already come to you spayed, flea treated and cleaned up:-) Even if you are in another state, please pass the word around and feel free to get in touch with me. I'm going to be traveling in the next month, and it might be possible to arrange for me to drop her off.

If you have a myspace, please write up a short bulletin and post it (including my # and email). If you have a livejournal or a blog, please do the same. I'm posting an add on craigslist, and also contacting various shelters and animal sanctuaries tomorrow. Please help me find her a home!

Thanks Everyone.

mims.katie at gmail dot com

2006-02-19T02:20:00.000-08:00

When there isn't much left to look forward to, everything blurs together. Time seems to slow down, and the days seem longer. Emptier. That space is filled with meaningless things. The nights seem darker, and they stretch on forever. Maybe that's one of the things I miss so much. Something to really look forward to; plans and dreams to be excited about.

Sure, there's still plans. Just nothing like what I thought they'd be. And there are still dreams. Or at least desires (although they seem more and more apathetic by the second). But they aren't shared. There's nobody to talk about them with or to get excited with. And that is what really sucks, at this moment in time.

But more than that, the fact that it seems like I'm the only one feeling like something beautiful is dead. I'm the only one that misses it or us or him. Yet again, I'm the one that's been compromised, effected, upheaved. I put everything in, and lost it all again. I lost it.

plethra of emotions lately.

2006-02-16T10:34:00.000-08:00

2006-02-10T01:21:00.000-08:00

Wouldn't it figure that the one night I'm ready to go to bed at a decent hour, Edgar decides there's something in my bedroom that he needs to protect me from? For the last hour, he's been sitting posed to pounce. Either on my bed, or the floor next to my bed. Back arched, with an ocasional hiss or low growl. I can't help but wonder what it is that he manages to see that I'm missing.

2006-02-08T23:31:00.000-08:00

I like this idea. A lot.

Positive
Identifiable
Truth

2006-02-04T01:25:00.000-08:00

The night was off to a really bad start. I was confused. I was anxious. I was upset. I was passionate. I was starving for a hint of caring, compassion, understanding or dare I even say it: love. By the time I was thoroughly depressed, one of the boys came home. We had decided to ditch out on the party originally planned and just go get trashed and sleep. That's all I felt like I wanted. To get trashed and sleep; to forget. But naturally, things didn't go as planned.

By the time we were ready to go, one of the other boys was on his way back and insisting that we go to the party. Debate ensued. Bickering about the distance followed. Eventually we left, but not before it had hit me like a pile of bricks on the chest. The knowledge.

Once we arrived, it felt like we had entered another world. The garden was lush. The two houses were natural and full of craftsmanship. People were milling about everywhere, and everyone had a drink of some sort or a bottle in hand. I stopped, picked up my bottle of wine, opened it and gave up on the idea of a glass or cup of any sort. We wandered through the garden and the houses; herb waifed through the air and permeated every room we walked through. Loud and deep drum beats were coming from the performance room as we worked our way towards it. People were dancing, swaying and drifting with the beats. I just leaned against the door, clinging to my bottle and trying to ignore the heavy weight I felt.

Thank goodness another friend was there, and about to leave. Consuming the contents of my bottle and clinging to it as if it were all that stood between myself and death, even though it was almost empty, was slowly eating at me. And I realized; life is cyclical. We cannot escape that. I leaned over and spoke into the ear of my friend, saying that I needed to ride home with him. I so desperately needed sleep.

As we left, I corked the small amount of wine left in my bottle, deep red and painfully lovely, and left it right where I had opened it.

2006-02-03T15:18:00.000-08:00

Originally I was going to post pictures of mostly knitted items and maybe two cat pictures. But seriously. Did anyone think that would actually happen? Of course not. Especially after a trip to the pet store to get food for Edgar (pet store = kittens). I'll post knitted stuff later. The cats are way cuter (is that even a word?)! You can click for descriptions and larger sizes.

2006-02-03T02:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this isn't really actual blogging. But give me a break. It's late. My energy rush is hopefully dying, and if it isn't, the sleep drugs I just took will most assuredly kill it. So this is more like waiting to pass out/reminder blogging.

By Friday last week, I'd gone a good four days without my drugs. Maybe five. Somehow between Florida and Los Angeles, I managed to lose my bottle of drugs. Don't ask me how, because I have no idea. I don't remember much of the trip back because it was such a terrible experience. Maybe I'll elaborate on it later. Anyway, I had a few days worth saved at my place, incase such a horrible thing were to ever happen like losing a freshly filled bottle. I took it my first day back, but I was so horribly sick for the next few days that I didn't take anything because I was afraid it would result in hugging the toilet.

Once I was better, the first thing I did was try and get new perscription. You can always tell when someone hasn't ever personally dealt with an illness that involves constant and steady medication, because they are the people that make it difficult to get ahold of said drugs in a pinch. Short version being, I spent two days trying to get a doctor to call in the perscription, finally gave up on doctors and called the RN I know at the school clinic. She called it in.

The day after I went to pick it up, and they said my insurance wouldn't cover it. Some bullshit about a step program where I try all the drugs I've already tried, and then they'll cover it (obviously something got messed up with my records). $120. Uh, yeah. I don't have an extra $120 in my budget! The pharmacist said she would call my RN and see if she would call in a temporary substitute. After spending 15 minutes trying to explain to her that I couldn't take another drug, that it absolutely had to be this one because this one is the only one that's worked so far, I worked myself up to the point of almost tears and left. Can we tell the drugs had started wearing off?

So the next day, which would be Friday of last week, I went in again and talked to the same girl at the pharmacy. The night before had been ugly, and I really wasn't in the mood to start the bottoming out process that happened last time I went for a period of time without this drug. I explained to her again that I had lost my newly filled bottle, and that I needed to find a way to get it filled again AND covered by my insurance, because I honest to God couldn't wait any longer. Now not only did I almost cry at the drug store, but I felt embarassed about being that person at the pharmacy. You know, the one that sounds like a total addict in desperate need of a fix, because who else would insist so strongly on a particular drug as cheaply and quickly as possible? Yuck. So end of story being, the very nice pharmacist, after carefully listening to me, found a way to get it covered and filled within 15 minutes.

So maybe this has turned into real blogging. And I promise, there is a point to that tangent! The point is, I can always tell when my drugs have started to kick back in because I get serious energy rushes and typically have problems sleeping for a few nights in a row. Last night was night #1. Tonight has been night #2. One night of no sleep is about all I can take lately. I'm already tired even when I do sleep all night, so not sleeping for nights in a row is definitely not an option, which is why I'm rambling and waiting for some drugs to kick in at 2:20am.

Tomorrow hopefully I'll get lots of shit done, and then have some time to blog about non-drug related things and post some pictures of my recently knit items. And my cat. Everyone should know by now that any post including pictures is almost always going to include pictures of my kitty:-) Which reminds me. I need to blog about Edgar's first mouse.

2006-01-06T16:52:00.000-08:00

2006-01-01T19:25:00.000-08:00

Thank God 2005 is over. I thought it would never end.

2005-12-08T21:06:00.000-08:00

2005-12-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

Goodness, it's been a long time since I blogged here. Unfortunately, this won't even be much of an entry.

Anyway, as most of you know, I knit. Especially during times of chaos and stress. The weeks before finals and midterms are the perfect example of this. I normally knit furiously during those weeks, and luckily, by next Wednesday I'll be on a plane to Dallas and through with finals and papers!

So here's the deal. Not only have I decided to knit most of my christmas gifts this year, I've also decided to knit extras of some of the more popular items and sell them. I'll have pictures up in a few days for everyone to check out. I'll be selling catnip filled kitty toys, fingerless gloves, felted mittens (by order only, due to specific sizing etc.) and small handbags/purses. Those are the items that work up quickest. If anyone has something else they'd like, I'm sure I can manage that as well (but no sweaters! Too short notice for large things like that).

So, be on the lookout for pictures in the next few days! And one I have them up, let me know what you'd like A.S.A.P. I'll only have one of everything I post available at first.

2005-10-31T20:56:00.000-08:00

2005-10-12T22:58:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I participated in the Instant Films 48 Hour Film Festival. The crew I worked with consisted mainly of people I live with here at the compound, minus the director and actors and a few others. Go check it out (and vote for one!). "Be Mine" is the one I worked on.

Instant Films

2005-10-12T22:57:00.000-07:00

2005-10-01T01:04:00.000-07:00

One of the terrible things about depression is that althought it might be exactly what you want, the last thing you really need is for everyone to just leave you alone. Unfortunately, eventually all your friends get sick of your sorry depressed ass, and you end up just that. Alone.

God, the irony.

Three Months Worth of Phone Pictures

2005-09-28T11:31:00.000-07:00

In order of oldest to most recent.

2005-09-07T22:20:00.000-07:00

Thinking this no skirt only pants thing isn't going to last too long. Maybe I'll have to knit me up a pair of these to cover the bandages etc.

Also going to make another one of these, except not in such obnoxiously bright colors.

Thinking this will be my winter hat this year. But in red or green, instead of pink. Maybe blue. But probably green.

Also going to whip up a few pairs of these. They sold like crazy last fall. Unfortunately, I forgot to pack my pair when I went to London. There was perfect weather for these at Greenbelt!

Going to make another pair of these as well. I made one pair in black with red and black interchangeable laces. Thinking I'll do red this time. And need to find proper heels/boots to wear with them. Suggestions?

Also made a bunch of these fishies and stuffed them with catnip as Edgar toys. Made some cute little mice too. I'm actually selling them, so if anyone would like some, let me know!

You can definitely tell classes have started up again. I'm not even stressed and I'm already knitting.

2005-09-07T18:57:00.000-07:00

Finally got all of my London/Greenbelt photos uploaded to Flickr. I have a few blog entires on said trip that I need to finish up and post. But right now, I'm off to clean up the cup of water I just heard Edgar knock over. Oi. It's a good thing he's cute!

2005-09-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

So, in our backyard, there's this cement wall with a ledge on it, stuffed back against the hill. There's two levels to this ledge. The first level is about 6 feet from the ground. The second is about 6 feet from the first ledge. Yesterday I was hanging out with David on the second ledge. Somehow, when I stood up from the chair to turn around and go down, I fell. I still have no idea how I did it. Or any idea how I didn't break something or at least hit my head on the cinderblock and cement stairs. But I didn't. I landed, hard, in a silent heap on the very edge of the first ledge.

Originally, I was going to take pictures of my poor legs and blog them, but decided it's too gross. Maybe if I manage to get off the bed today, I'll go take a picture of the ledge I will never again sit on. But right now, I'm really not planning on moving, seeing as merely existing hurts. I'm sporting a bruise on my side that stretches from my left hip all the way up to my armpit. I have a three inch gash wrapping around one side of my left leg, along with a hand sized bruise/scrape/swell on my shin and a knee that's three times its normal size. The other leg just has a series of bruises and scrapes stretching from my big toe to about half way up my calf. Oh, and the entire upper half of my left arm is scraped and discolored as well.

So yeah. I spent the rest of the night eating dinner with David and talking with him so as to distract myself from how much everything hurt. I think I'll definitely be napping and watching a few movies today.

2005-09-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

It was probably three or four weeks ago, at least, when I first visited Mosaic. For now, let's just say that it was a less than pleasant experience and leave it at that.

In light of the fact that I'm still gradually processing Katrina and the seminars/experiences at Greenbelt, I decided to do two things this morning.

The first was purchase the mp3 recordings of Pete Rollins from Greenbelt. I started listening to it once I purchased and downloaded it (and if anyone would like it, please let me know). About 15 minutes into it, I figured, what the hell, I'm up early. Let's go hit up Mosaic. At the very least, it would give me more material to include in some of the blog entires I've been composing, and it would also give me one more experience to contrast with the things I'm processing and hearing.

So the second thing I decided to do was go to Mosaic, and then come home and listen to the Pete Rollins mp3 from start to finish.

So, off to Mosaic I go. Hopefully it won't be too bad, but as I'm sure you can tell, my expectations aren't very high.

2005-08-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

2005-08-12T12:20:00.000-07:00

I just watched A Love Song for Bobby Long with my sister. It was a good movie. I enjoyed it, even though there were moments where John Travolta got on my nerves and Scarlett Johanson made me completely envious of her beauty. The ending got me thinking, though. The majority of the film was an up and down roller coaster of odd and sometimes awkward and fucked up relationships, of varying types. But then you had the end. In the end, things worked out. Everyone picked up the pieces and ended up happy. Once we shut off the TV, I realized it had rubbed me a little wrong, and I got to thinking about why. Decided that it was the ending. It was too perfect. Things don't happen like that in real life, because life is messy.

And it struck me. That's it. Life is messy. And sometimes it's a really shitty mess. But what counts is what we make out of that mess. The stories that we write with it. The things that we learn. Whether or not we chose to make the best of things and write our own un-perfect messy ending, that for us, might in fact turn out to be that perfect ending, even though it's nothing like what we might have imagined at the beginning of our journey.

2005-08-12T09:23:00.000-07:00

I just wokeup. I feel rested. And I had the most amazing dream ever.

Today is going to be good.

2005-08-11T19:38:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the different types of people in this world lately. It seems like most slip into two categories. You have those of us that somehow always seem to seek out the good in people. Those of us that want to hope, hard as it might be. Those of us that embrace truth, beauty and faith despite the shit and occasional questioning of the meaning of it all; despite the pain. We seek out love and embrace the quiet, beautiful moments of peace after the storm, few though they may be.

Then there are those people that seem to be almost pure evil. The people that we embraced and befriended; welcomed into our lives, unkowingly. Or maybe small parts of us knew, but we wanted to see the good in them. Suddenly we find our offers of friendship and love tossed in our faces. We discover the lies. We finally see them for who they are; but it's too late. We have already loved, already offered that friendship. They in turn have violated us, on multiple levels. The lucky ones escape with only emotional violation. But not everyone is that lucky. These are the people that are truly evil; we can hear them in the backs of our minds, laughing as we struggle to pick up the pieces. They haunt us.

Somewhere, there must be an inbetween. Perhaps the inbetweens are the people that are plagued with complacency, and find themselves leading lives in which they find no real peace or contentment, but only restlessnes and the memories of dreams that never came true and chances that were never taken. The people that are plagued with regret and unable to find and savor those fleeting moments of beauty. God, please let that never be me.

But then again, maybe there is a little of all of this in everyone. I guess it really is just a matter of choice. Of deciding which person you want to be, and which kind of life you want to lead. As far as I am concerned, I would hope that I tend towards the first person. This is the only life I have to live; I want to savor the peaceful moments, the beauty, and I don't ever want to be afraid of taking chances, simply because it might not work out picture-perfect in the end. I'd regret not taking the chance more than I ever would the un-perfect ending. Besides. I've always found more beauty in the rubble and mess of life.

2005-08-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

2005-08-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

FUCK. I just lost my job. I saw it coming. But I didn't think it would happen this soon.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

London/Greenbelt

2005-08-01T22:56:00.000-07:00

I'm making a trip to London for Greenbelt. I have a few days to spend in London before I actually head out to the festival grounds that Thursday or Friday. So here's the deal. If anyone happens to know of anyone or have room for me themselves, I'm looking for a floor to crash on August 23rd-25th and maybe August 29th (I promise, I don't take up much room! And I won't have more with me than what will fit in a backpack).

Some floor space on any of those nights would be VERY much appreciated. Just e-mail me at mims.katie at gmail dot com (also feel free to cross post this on your blog too, just let me know if you do decide to do that).

2005-07-28T06:25:00.000-07:00

They never tell you truth is subjective
They only tell you not to lie
They never tell you there's strength in vulnerability
They only tell you not to cry

But I've been living underground
Sleeping on the way
And finding something else to say

Is like walking on the freeway
They never tell you you don't need to be afraid
They only tell you to deny

So is it true that only good girls go to heaven?
They only sell you what you buy
#

2005-07-27T02:41:00.000-07:00

time for something light-hearted 'round here. or kind of.

originally posted here and here

rewritten from ~~28 october 2003~~ 10 january 2004

10 bands I've been listening to lately
::01:: ~~sunny day real estate~~ sufjan stevens
::02:: the decemberists
::03:: ~~le tigre~~ jeff buckley
::04:: ~~the moving units~~ ~~james taylor~~ the mountain goats
::05:: ~~the shins~~ ~~ben folds five~~ over the rhine
::06:: ~~nickel creek~~ john rhalston
::07:: cat power
::08:: ~~radiohead~~ tom conlon
::09:: ~~the promise ring~~ ours
::10:: ~~pinback~~ ~~my ears only~~ recordings of

09 things I look forward to
::01:: ~~seeing modest mouse in two weeks~~ ~~didn't happen. insufficient funds.~~ sleeping peacefully {rarely}
::02:: ~~decent food in the cafeteria~~ ~~never going to happen.~~ actually being able to eat
::03:: ~~going back to england~~ ~~highly unlikely in the near future. insufficient funds.~~ ;-)
::04:: ~~working my new job~~ i wish! a job that i can enjoy
::05:: late night drives to the beach {its been too long}
::06:: intelligent conversations
::07:: haircuts
::08:: ~~coming home~~ ~~this city has not been good to me.~~ the company of accepting friends
::09:: ~~time to myself~~ ......

8 things I like to wear
::01:: blue jeans (i'm a blue jean baby)/ brown skirt
::02:: sandals
::03:: ~~my braided leather bracelet~~ my chinatown bracelets
::04:: ~~tights~~ fishnets and backseams
::05:: my thrift store jacket
::06:: sweaters
::07:: blue chucks
::08:: cute underwear

07 things that annoy me
::01:: ~~bossy people~~ i'll take bossy over bitchy and crazy any day.
::02:: ~~the ice machine at work~~ being manipulated
::03:: ~~busywork and papers that have no point~~ greed
::04:: ~~squealing freshmen girls at 3 am~~ judgmental scientologist housemates
::05:: ~~dishes left in the kitchen and crap in the sink~~ finding spiders in my bed
::06:: ~~boys that play games (that's my job, not theirs)~~ ~~i was being sarcastic.~~ being taken advantage of
::07:: ~~not being able to leave, and~~ having nowhere to go.

06 things I love
::01:: books
::02:: writing
::03:: free time
::04:: sleep
::05:: ~~crafty and creative stuff~~ having a creative outlet
::06:: people i can just sit and be quiet with (chatter isn't always necessary). {this is so hard to find}.

05 things I do everyday
::01:: ~~drink cherry coke~~ drink ~~coffee~~
::02:: write
::03:: work
::04:: ~~change my mind~~ love
::05:: read

04 people I want to spend more time with
::01:: my family
::02:: ~~my friends back home~~ ~~very few left.~~ people that accept me for who and what i am
::03:: ~~God~~ clarification: learning more/spirituality
::04:: ~~(insert future name here)~~ ~~his name will not be mentioned here.~~ its been mentioned.

03 Movies I could watch over and over again
::01:: ~~amelie~~ eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
::02:: ~~about a boy~~ ~~american beauty~~ closer
::03:: ~~(blank)~~ 21 grams (although infinitely better the first time)

2 of my favorite songs at the moment
::01:: ~~red right ankle, the decemberists~~ ~~i'm a monster, ours~~ this year, the mountain goats
::02:: ~~you and whos army? radiohead~~ nobody number one, over the rhine

1 thing I'd rather be doing
::01:: ~~making out~~ listening/talking.

2005-07-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

Okay. I composed a good but very long blog post and then the internet went out. Which gave me enough time to read it over and decide that it was entirely too long and needed to be split in two and mulled over.

More bits...

Our society has a few things that it doesn't like for people to go after directly. It's futile, we say. Or perhaps, by going after it you forfeit it. There are lots of stories about great things being given to the one that actually didn't want the great thing, much to the grumbling of everyone that actually did want it. Let go, and it will come to you.

I wonder, is this a case where society really has learned what is best for us... sort of a natural selection of philosophies where over time the best philosophy survives even if nobody knows exactly why? Or is it something else? I don't know why, but today something about it feels sinister to me.

Erik Benson

Okay, maybe not bit(s). I feel more like writing myself than posting things others wrote.

I spent a few frustrating hours last night and this morning trying to figure out how my computer speakers/external hard drive managed to pick up a radio station that I can't get rid of. I noticed it a few days ago, and I've just been ignoring it. It's hit the point where I can't ignore it any longer, but can't figure out how to fix it. Moving the desk isn't an option. It only does it when the external drive (which has all my music on it) is plugged in. WTF? Is it even possible for an external drive to pick up a radio station?

Today its finally not so fucking hot that you have to choose between leaving the house or sweating to death. Window fan combined with small portable fan makes for a fairly cool room so far. And the hottest hours are almost past.

After hearing about the daily escapades of a friend's dog, I'm feeling very grateful for my adorable kitty. I mean, I like dogs and all, but cats are so much easier to take care of. And I don't think you could find a cat more loving and affectionate than mine.

I also had a chance to sit down and do some budgeting/work scheduling. It's looking like I'll actually have the finances for the things I'd like to do in the next two months.

2005-07-22T05:23:00.000-07:00

Bits from others I've been reading:

As an idealist, I am often frustrated by the people around me. As an idealist I am often frustrated in myself as well and for my failures. Because of that I live in a world of pain and disappointment with other people and myself.

Hopefully I live in a world of grace, for others and for myself. Despite the disappointment, it seems to be a better world than a world without those ideals and giving in to the world where I expect less than I know we can accomplish.

Jordon Cooper

and:

...In these moments we lived only in the present. We had no thought for the morrow, but only wondered how we might hang on a little longer...

...I say that grief is a painful labor, but hope may be born of sorrow. Be honest with your grief. Keep your eyes open so you won’t miss the moment when hope appears.

RLP via Chuck Sigars

There's plenty more. But I'm too tired/restless to post it right now.

2005-07-19T23:24:00.000-07:00

Sunday I went to church. First time since Christmas and the first time I can remember not tensing up and feeling unsettled. She said something that I've heard many times over, in relation to the stories we live and things that happen in our lives.

"Where is God in this?"

The thing is, I don't know how to see God in this anymore. How does one see God amidst these lies? Within the deceit? The pain? The tossed aside vows and cast away love? Amidst the crimes and utter injustice?

Grace and forgiveness, someone said the other night.

"i'm sick of walking down these streets of tarifa
and waiting for some magic revelation
or secret jesus to appear
and erase you"

Michael Miller - Grace Town

I remember when I found comfort in God; solace, assurance that I would survive this. That I would wake up day after fucking day, even if I ended up cumpled on the floor and begging for release by nightfall. These feelings and flashbacks and nightmares are all too familiar. But the absence of solace and comfort is not.

I remember when there was somehow still beauty amidst the pain. When hard times and long nights also held the promise of desperate surprises. The promise of love despite fragility. Despite crazed circumstances. But those days? Long gone.

"Sweetheart, baby,
I’m sorry for bringing these black clouds wherever you are.

These icebergs never stop melting.
I think that you fell for me in the dark.
But it’s over now, and you’re feeling so relieved.

If I believe in ghosts and don’t believe in God.
Then I believe in the sum, but not the part.
Jumpin’ Jack Pumpkinhead pincushion doll
I’m dead with all the things I never said buried in my flower bed."

John Ralston - I Believe in Ghosts

Sleep will be my solace for the night. I hope.

2005-07-18T14:48:00.000-07:00

"...There is a long distance between wrongdoing and evil, and it is of no help to any of us to make a simple equation between them. We all at times act in bad ways, and the shadow side of our personality can be a healthy part of our complex identity. But in the continuous spectrum between bad and evil, there is some indeterminate region in which a boundary is crossed. Usually it is occasioned by repeated and unrepentant acts of deception."

Sacred Journey

I'm afraid I've lost the piece of me
I need the most you see
This puzzle is really just about the need
To be somebody
I'm afraid I'm not all that you see
All along the coast of me
I'm camouflaged, a desert mirage
A nobody

Over The Rhine, Nobody Number One

2005-07-17T12:10:00.000-07:00

"Is this life? Re-learning what we’ve already forgotten? You would not believe the details in books I’ve forgotten. I know whats good for me. I know and yet I still scratch my bug bites and pick my scabs. I still repeat the same mistakes."
#

2005-07-12T22:29:00.000-07:00

Today was horrid. With that said, I'm going to bed.

"Nothin' like sleepin' on a bed of nails. Nothin' much here but our broken dreams.
Ah, but baby if all else fails, nothin' is ever quite what it seems.
And I'm dyin' inside to leave you with more than just cliches.

There is a me you would not recognize, dear. Call it the shadow of myself."

#

2005-07-12T09:02:00.000-07:00

2005-07-11T08:31:00.000-07:00

There aren't words to describe how exhausted and in pain I am right now. This weekend was nuts. Friday night a potential roomate came over with her boyfriend and brought her tabby cat with her to meet Edgar. Things seemed to go OK. Tybalt was chill. Edgar growled at him the entire time. I'd never heard my cute kitten make some of the noises he was making at this other cat. Good lord.

Then the next day, Saturday, Emily and I were playing with Edgar and I saw something crawling on his skin. CRAWLING ON HIS SKIN. I've never had a pet with fleas before, and I totally freaked out. It was midnight, and I figured the grocery store might have flea treatments. So I went, and they didn't. By the time I got him to the vet the next day he'd totally taken care of the flea problem himself. HE. ATE. THEM. yuck.

The rest of Saturday was spent procrastinating. I SO did not feel like cleaning the entire downstairs more thoroughly than it's ever been cleaned before.

Saturday night and Sunday were spent cleaning. Sunday morning I went to the awesome farmers market in hollywood with Joe, David and Moti. Unfortunately for me, I'm white as a fucking sheet, and didn't think to wear sunscreen, seeing as I was only going to be in the sun for about an hour. Very, very bad idea. I'm fried. My skin looks like it would crackle if you touched it. I also spent Sunday afternoon messing around with my hair, so not only was my skin in pain, but I ended up with a splitting headache that never quite went away and came back full force when I woke up this morning.

It's a good thing my cat is cute, sunburn only lasts about a day and someone invented advil. Or else I'd be taking heads off today.

2005-07-07T05:43:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe I'm awake before the sun is up. This is wrong (and indication that if I ever had kids, my partner would be the one getting up at the butt crack of dawn).

2005-07-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

Today I decided I could really use some cute cat photos in my life.

2005-06-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

...I call my multi-vitamin my Salma Hayek Vitamin because not only is she free of depression and bi-polar disorder, but she also has fantastic bosoms. I need all the help I can get.

All the other vitamins I take — the Neurontin, the Valium, and the Prozac — I call those Thank God Tom Cruise Is Not In Charge Otherwise I Would Be Dead Right Now Vitamins.

via Dooce

I found the latter part, about Tom Cruise, absolutely hilarious in light of my recent issues with my scientologist housemate. Or rather, his recent issues with my drug and substance consumption.

2005-06-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

Apparently the new term for someone having grown up in the church (that still remains in the church) is "lifer". Yikes. Someone should really do away with Christianese.

I had to read Resident Aliens for class today. I was SO not impressed. However, I love days when papers are due. You get to see what all the perfect Christian girls look like when they've overslept and not had time to put on their make-up and do their hair. Something that NEVER happens under normal circumstances. Almost makes me miss living on campus and being able to roll out of bed five minutes before class and sprint over. Or not.

I think one of the things that I disliked so much about Resident Aliens is the fact that it was hyped as a very forward thinking, revelatory text about the issues within the church today. Uh, no. It may have been semi-forward thinking when it was originally published, FOURTEEN years ago, but it was all old news to me. Funny thing is, everyone else in class seems to love it. Some surprise, huh?

I'm sure I'll write more about this book later. While writing the paper that was due today, I was getting so frustrated that I began a post on the book and the church as a whole (because we know how much I love discussing and ranting about the evangelical church). It still needs some work, and I probably won't have time to get to it until next week, or after I'm back from the traveling I'm doing this month.

So anyway. I guess I should quit blogging and go pay attention to the discussion taking place on Resident Aliens.

Thinking...

2005-06-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

Today I set up my desk. Two nightstands with an old door across them. So I went and grabbed a chair from the kitchen (to make do with until I have money for a desk chair) only to realize that I'm too short for my desk. I need a fucking booster seat or something.

**So now I have a new chair ($10 from a thrift store). I just can't get it right. I'm too short for the desk and my new chair is too tall for the desk. Ugh.

2005-06-26T22:26:00.000-07:00

Living fucking hurts. But it's those moments when even the pain is beautiful that make it worth continuing.

I could really use one of those moments.

2005-06-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

While I was in Florida a week or so ago, I spent an afternoon with my ten year old brother. While in the car on the way home, this conversation transpired:

"So, if the new Star Wars isn't on DVD yet for rent, but I happen to find a website that lets you download it and burn it, that's illegal, right?"

"Yes, that's illegal, but people do it anyway."

(Pause)

"How'd you find a site like that in the first place?"

"I googled Star Wars. Duh."

TEN YEARS OLD. And already fluent with computers and computer language. And downloading illegal versions of movies.

2005-06-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

2005-06-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

2005-06-20T01:08:00.000-07:00

2005-06-18T18:38:00.000-07:00

2005-06-14T02:37:00.000-07:00

(yuck).

2005-06-12T23:51:00.000-07:00

2005-06-12T01:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sick. I'm exhausted and I have no brainpower or willpower left in my body. I've lost my voice, and that goes perfectly hand-in-hand with my total lack of social skills. But then, that's nothing new. I always perferred coffee and an honest conversation to shopping malls and floods of perfect look-alikes.

I am that shadow. That person that knows what is happening, sometimes even before it happens, but is unable to lift a goddamned finger to do anything about anything. Because in the end, things will run their course, and nobody ever really listens to the shadows anyway. People perfer to turn the lights on and chase them away, convincing themselves that nothing was ever there. It was just a shadow.

There are few things in life more painful than watching those you care about hurt themselves and those that are important and close to them.

I've been thinking and talking a lot about numerous things. Things that have been and I'm sure will continue to be consistent themes and struggles in my life. Acceptance and the way that and commitment relate to love and imperfection. There is so much beauty and honesty in true brokenness and imperfection.

Change and desparation. Those two words sum things up perfectly. Change is in the air; it's taking place. But it isn't a slow and gradual change. It's a desperate, jagged change that is leaving us on our knees in its wake, blinking in stunned drunken disbelief. Disbelief not necessarily at what's taken place, but that it actually happened. If that makes any round-about sense at all.

2005-06-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

2005-06-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

I can definitely say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that while I missed a few people in Florida, I did not miss Florida itself. I have re-entered the land of hot stickiness, where if you happen to walk outside at the wrong time of day you find yourself covered from head to toe with mosquito bites. LARGE mosquito bites. Thank you very much, but I perfer the California desert.

The week that Elizabeth and Jeremiah spent in California with me was pretty uneventful. They helped me organize my new place, and we rediscovered the fact that I'm a very shitty tour guide. Everytime we tried to go somewhere it felt like we spent more time in traffic than we did at said place. We did see some interesting things though. At one point, walking by the Chinese Theater on Hollywood Blvd., we saw a huge swarm of bees in the middle of the street. Then while walking back that way to the car, a kiosk on the sidewalk was taped off. Apparently the bees decided to take up residence there, resulting in police being called and caution tape being put it. A little odd. We also saw an old guy with a long white beard on a motorcycle, with his large dog straddling the bike in front of him. Jeremiah took an awesome picture of it for me (I was driving).

Now I'm here in Florida. It's been raining since I got here. Gray and melancholy. Which also describes my mood and state of mind these days.

2005-06-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

2005-06-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

Two of my closest friends are in town. I woke up in the worst mood. Edgar is sick again. My apartment still isn't unpacked totally. I've been missing everyone in Dallas on an unusual level lately, and I've hardly slept at all.

It is continually annoying me that some people feel good enough to call you and ask you to do them favors that aren't exactly convenient (but that you don't mind doing at all), and then when you ask something very simple in return that requires no inconvenience on their part, they ignore your mere existence.

I'm going to go make coffee and hang out with my friends. Today IS going to get better.

2005-06-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

One of the things that REALLY annoys me about the school edit bays is the lack of bathroom access. For some reason, I can't get through the doors to the bathroom today (you have to go outside and around the building). And it never fails. I always have to go when the doors are locked. Especially in the middle of the night. I can't even count how many times I've had to leave campus in the middle of an all-night editing session and drive ALL THE WAY HOME just to pee.

I woke up at 6am to make some final changes to Stoopid Heroes. The changes themselves only took about two hours. But naturally, the computer was not about to cooperate with me. So I've been sitting here trying to get it to burn the files and a DVD for HOURS. I need to be packing the rest of my stuff. I need to have dropped Edgar off at the new place, and already have left for Ikea so that I can come up with some closet contraption and unpack. Oh, and eat. All my food is packed. As are all my medications, bath stuff and clothes. I'm wearing the same pants that I've been wearing for three days now. I still have on the shirt I slept in, and naturally, it was cold today and all my sweaters are packed. So on top of the sleep shirt and dirty pants, I have on a huge green sweater that I stole from a person that will remain anonymous, and my now red hair is pinned/clipped up in an extremely haphazard way. I bet if I sat on a corner, people would assume I'm homeless and give me change.

I'll say this for sure. The last yearish of my life has destroyed my capacity to function amidst physical chaos. There is stuff ALL OVER the new place. I can hardly walk in my room, and I absolutely cannot function like that anymore. There aren't words to express how stressed I was when I woke up this morning. I think I layed on my air mattress, in the middle of my old living room floor, for at least twenty minutes just trying to convince myself that there really isn't much to be stressed about.

God, that sounds so pathetic.

I think I'm just having a really bad day.

)-;

Oh, and the school owes me $1,147 that they seem DETERMINED to not give me. They fucking lost the first check they cut for me! So now I have to wait for them to cut another, whenever they happen to feel like doing it. Fucking bastards.

I fucking need a hug.

2005-06-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

by low resolution

2005-06-02T02:16:00.000-07:00

Man: Oh, so she's genuinely deluded?
Woman: Yeah, she's not just in denial.

Chick on cell: So how come you never told me about this other girl you are dating? She's from work? You have to tell me these things! You can't just keep this shit from me...wait, so you just fucked her and now it's over? That's how it is? Why are you telling me this? You can't just tell me this!

Queer: I can't believe she said I was a liar. Sure I make random stuff up, but I'm not a liar.

2005-06-01T01:02:00.000-07:00

So. This moving by yourself thing? Yeah. It really sucks. At this moment in time, I am more than a little disgusted with myself. In September of '04, I was perfectly capable of packing everything I owned on this earth into my little car and moving. Now? AT LEAST three trips in my car, not including my bed, because there is no way in hell that would ever fit, even in the most abstract and awkward way. And because I'm moving on a Wednesday, it's not like I can ask some friends to help and tell them I'll buy them pizza and beer, or some such thing. Joe is going to make a run to help me get my bed. But that's about it. By tomorrow night, my back will be hurting so much that I'm positive it will be numb {should I ever find someone else that can crack or work my back like someone I used to reside with, I will NEVER let them leave me. I would perform all kinds of crazed, deviant acts to preserve that back crackage and workage}. I miss being able to pack everything in my car. Moving in is definitely going to be a cleansing process. Anything I haven't worn or used in the last three weeks is going to get tossed or sold.

Amidst all this moving and remodeling craziness, I've found time to write. I think I've written more fiction in the last five (God, has it been that long already?) months than I've written in the last three years. I'll probably post some of it sometime after tomorrow. Maybe Thursday or Friday?

Compound Stories Part I

2005-05-31T18:03:00.000-07:00

I'm absolutely loving the compound. However, I'm not so sure I'm cut out for the amount of creatures that seem to cohabitate with us. Mice. Spiders. HUGE SPIDERS THE SIZE OF SILVER DOLLARS! Some of which were poisonous. Roaches that are so big my cat probably wouldn't even mess with them if he had been there at the time. And snakes. Yes, snakes.

Yesterday afternoon, I went down the outside steps to get something out of my car. In a matter of 20 seconds, a three and a half foot long snake managed to stretch itself across the second to last step. When I turned around to go back up the steps, I about had a heart attack. It took me about 15 seconds to react, and one I did I grabbed my stuff and ran down onto the street. I stood in my new spot for a few seconds, trying to figure out what to do. I sure as hell wasn't touching that thing. I didn't have my cell phone on me. So I yelled for Joe, in hopes that he'd hear me, which he did. Turns out it was a gopher snake.

After the snake was caught and moved, Emily was nice enough to tell me of the snake incident she had when she first moved in. She went to open the upstairs cabinet under the sink, and a snake jumped out at her! A. SNAKE. UNDER. THE. SINK. Yikes.

I was going to post photos of the different types of spiders I've encountered, but those of you that know me know full well that I'm terrified of spiders. I couldn't even look at the list of google images that I pulled up.

Compound Series Part II

2005-05-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

2005-05-27T00:57:00.000-07:00

Moving is going to be crazy. I've got most of my stuff sorted, but I can't even pack before the day I move. There's no place to stack the boxes in my apartment, everything is so cramped. And there's no place to put anything in the new basement apartment yet, becase we're still painting and remodeling.

I've just come from the gym, and am watching Deadwood while I wait for my hair to dry. I'll admit it. I'm a bit of a history buff, and a friend of mine introduced me to this show last night. I love the mix of fact and fiction. It's very well written, and the production quality is good as well. It's an HBO series. After watching the first two episodes with Nate last night, I promptly went out today and rented two more DVD's.

Tomorrow I'm picking out paint, new carpet and meeting my two new roomates, David and Chad. It should be an interesting day.

2005-05-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

Friday our sink disposal broke. Par usuale, we couldn't get ahold of the landlord or apartment manager. So it remained broken, with water standing in the sink, for twenty-four hours. Once we got past the twenty-four hour mark, mold began growing. It filled the disposal and began creeping up into the sink. By the time Sunday hit, it looked like it was going to take over our entire kitchen. Of course, nobody was about to touch it. So Kat and I stood in the kitchen and poured Comet on it, since we didn't have any straight bleach, and it was the only cleaning product in our kitchen that contained bleach. It killed it. But then we were left with a mucky mess of Comet and food-crud in the sink.

Finally, the maitenance man came. This morning. As I was about to leave. He's been working on the disposal since 10:00am.

I've been re-reading Sacred Journey and Hey Nostradamus!

It seems like I've been getting news of engagements, bridal showers and weddings almost on a weekly basis for several months now. What's with kids my age getting married? At this rate, Elizabeth really will be my only close friend left without a husband or baby attached to the hip. It's ironic, really. When I was sixteenish, everyone in the small, church oriented social circle I moved in was always joking about how I'd be the first to get married, at some insanely young age.

Ha.

I smiled and nodded, but honestly never really believed it.

Not sure what the point of that ramble was. Anyway. The disposal is now fixed and the maitnenance man has left. Now it's my turn to leave and go immerse myself in plaster and patch my new bedroom walls. I'm kind of getting into this renovation thing.

Compound Series Part I

2005-05-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

Recent KCRW Performances

2005-05-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

The Decemberists
One of my all-time favorites. All of their albums are equally amazing, however, my first choice is Her Majesty. Their music has an eclectic sound and the lyrics are extremely metaphorical and story-like. They are one of the bands I've listened to constantly through this last year and a half of limbo. This radio performance definitely doesn't do them justice. I have seen them live several times, and they put on a truly stellar show.

M83
This album (and pretty much all of their music) is perfect to edit to. One of my late-night favorites, especially when combined with a good drink and some solitude. I've listened to them on countless nights when I've been shut up alone in editing bays.

Aimee Mann
All of Aimee Mann's albums were on constant rotation through January and Febuary this year. She has a multitude of songs that resonate with where I am and have been in life. I've covered several of her songs at open mic. That's how much I like her.

Maria Taylor
You might know Maria Taylor from Azure Ray. This is her solo album, and if you like Azure Ray, you'll probably like this too. I really like her voice and her melancholy tone.

Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings
Very soulful, bluesy music. A little too upbeat for me to listen to on a regular basis, but still very good.

Kings of Convenience
This band definitely reminds me of a very emotional and difficult but somehow still amazingly beautiful period in my life. I had heard of them before my trip to San Diego last year, but Kings of Convenience and Travis will always be the bands that remind me of that trip.

2005-05-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

So, I was about to post my pictures and sound clips from Over The Rhine. While I had the finder window open, I hit apple + z, by accident. The last thing I'd done was copy the pictures from my camera to that folder. GONE. All of them. I deleted them from my camera last night. SHIT. If anyone knows of a way to recover them, PLEASE e-mail me.

2005-05-11T01:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know this really isn't a huge deal, but I almost had a heart attack.

I was screwing around on google and typed in my name, out of curiosity. MY FILMS WERE IN THE FIRST THREE RESULTS! Not just my name, but my name associated with the films I've worked on recently. Someone actually deemed the projects I've worked on worthy of blogging. I am officially a filmmaker.

Goole Results

Film Reviews- My directing credit is listed. I also edited As If It Were Nothing.

APU News Release- This was printed in the paper, as well as an interview I did.

Stoopid Heroes Shoot

*I know some of the pictures aren't the greatest, but we didn't have a photographer on set, and obviously I was a little busy to mess with decent photos.

**I just can't resist pointing this out. Phil Boland didn't think I was a student worthy of his time. Now, let's see. Which one of us shows up on a google search? Which one of us is actually making films, instead of talking shit? Yeah, that's what I thought.

2005-05-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

Um, Modest Mouse just played as background music for KTLA channel 5 news. It wasn't even their newest album. That was very weird.

2005-05-04T06:31:00.000-07:00

2005-05-04T01:12:00.000-07:00

There's plenty to blog about right now. But I really don't feel like it. I also have three papers due tomorrow. But I really don't feel like doing them.

Today was the last time I had to attend the class from hell (otherwise known as Directing). Unfortunately, I didn't get the satisfaction of actually attending the last class. My jerk-ass professor left before the exam period, when we were supposed to drop of projects. Even despite that, I thought I'd be a lot more excited about being done with his class. But I'm not.

The only thing I'm excited about is being done and having some time away from the computer and papers, so that my poor hands can recuperate and I can sleep. My veins are bulging and one of my wrists is even bruising from the strain of having written so many papers lately. I can hardly make a fist. And lets not even talk about the bags under my eyes. Yuck.

I do have some pretty decent pictures from the Over The Rhine show, as well as a few sound clips. I'll post them soon; but no promises on a specific time period. Just soon.

2005-05-02T10:12:00.000-07:00

UGH. I really hate mornings.

2005-04-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

The Knitting Factory, tonight. Over The Rhine.

2005-04-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

Today I made the mistake of letting myself think that I couldn't possibly hurt anymore, that I couldn't lose anything else and that things couldn't possibly become anymore difficult than they have been in the last few months. WRONG.

It's ironic how life cycles. This time last summer, I was in this exact same position with my parents. Except that time, it was actually over something I could somewhat understand. This time, I can't believe they're risking ruining the bit of relationship we've built lately over something as shallow and judgemental as appearance.

2005-04-26T03:55:00.000-07:00

~~I'd forgotten how nice it is to have someone who really cares that you can talk to at any hour.~~

---------

I spent more time at the compound tonight. The more time I spend there, the more anxious I am to get moved in.

---------

When I came home tonight (or this morning), a man was snooping around the back of the apartment conplex with a flashlight. When he saw my car pull up, he snapped the light off and jumped behind the dumpsters. For the first time ever, I called 911. I'm still shook up (thus the fact that I'm not sleeping). It's been a very weird 24 hours.

2005-04-24T19:29:00.000-07:00

I really don't understand people, and why they feel the need to be so cruel.

This morning at 8am, Johanna, one of the girls that lives on my complex, came knocking on the front door. Her parent's apartment backs up to the basketball court, and when she woke up, she heard crying kittens. Someone from the complex next to us had tied to kittens in a plastic bag, trying to suffocate them, and tossed them over the fence into the basketball court. I'm the only person in the complex with a kitty, so she took the kittens inside to her mom and then came knocking on my door, to see if I knew how to feed and take care of them.

So I ran her to the pet store and got kitten formula and supplies, then went back to the apartment with her to check out the kittens and show her family how to feed them. I figured they were maybe a week or two old, from what she said. Definitely not the case. They were newborns. So new that they still had afterbirth in ther coat, and their eyes crusted over. It was heart wrenching.

2005-04-24T01:18:00.000-07:00

The events of the last five months (has it really been that long?) have shaken me to the core. Most of the time, I feel like I'm just wandering through reality, trying to find my place amidst this darkness and fleeting beauty. But there are times when I feel like I really must be a complete nut job; nestled here looking in on a bubble, caught between my conservative upbringing and my craving for raw truth and beauty, amidst all its pain and harshness. My heart telling me to and leading me to abandon one, and those around me telling me to abandon the other.

Some really do think I'm a little unbalanced or misled, due to the decisions I've made and the fact that I foster no regret. There are others that I feel are on the same journey and trying to navigate the same reality that I am. The people that understand my actions and motivations for said actions, without my having to explain and without a sad shake of the head, as if I've abandoned all truth and faith.

I spoke with one such person not too long ago, and he said something similar to this: It's not that I'm trying to push the evelope, and see how far I can go. It's that I push myself, and that I'm not afraid to push myself until I break. It's that I ask questions, instead of simply accepting what I was brought up with, putting everything in a neat little box and tying it prettily with an answer. It's that I believe there can be beauty in pain and brokeness, because it is so honest. It's that I'm not afraid to live and take chances; to navigate my own reality, despite the pain involved in forging my own path.

Yes. I think that's it.

2005-04-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

I was looking through some photo's today, and I realized how much younger we looked in them. It's only been a few months. But we looked younger. We looked happy; content. Now there's worry lines and hair loss. A slump that tells of lonliness, defeat and compromised dreams and visions, where there used to be a confident saunter and sway. But most of all, there's a newfound wisdom, depth, sharpness and sadness in our eyes. It's in our faces and posture. But it is our eyes that reveal the most. That's the way it always was with us. The eyes.

Good things are happening. But they feel empty and shallow, and I feel defeated.