Sunday I went to church. First time since Christmas and the first time I can remember not tensing up and feeling unsettled. She said something that I've heard many times over, in relation to the stories we live and things that happen in our lives.

"Where is God in this?"

The thing is, I don't know how to see God in this anymore. How does one see God amidst these lies? Within the deceit? The pain? The tossed aside vows and cast away love? Amidst the crimes and utter injustice?

Grace and forgiveness, someone said the other night.

"i'm sick of walking down these streets of tarifa
and waiting for some magic revelation
or secret jesus to appear
and erase you"

Michael Miller - Grace Town

I remember when I found comfort in God; solace, assurance that I would survive this. That I would wake up day after fucking day, even if I ended up cumpled on the floor and begging for release by nightfall. These feelings and flashbacks and nightmares are all too familiar. But the absence of solace and comfort is not.

I remember when there was somehow still beauty amidst the pain. When hard times and long nights also held the promise of desperate surprises. The promise of love despite fragility. Despite crazed circumstances. But those days? Long gone.

"Sweetheart, baby,
I’m sorry for bringing these black clouds wherever you are.

These icebergs never stop melting.
I think that you fell for me in the dark.
But it’s over now, and you’re feeling so relieved.

If I believe in ghosts and don’t believe in God.
Then I believe in the sum, but not the part.
Jumpin’ Jack Pumpkinhead pincushion doll
I’m dead with all the things I never said buried in my flower bed."

John Ralston - I Believe in Ghosts

Sleep will be my solace for the night. I hope.